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[TC] Pezz Industries Customer Service

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Hello, I am Ameliorator Pezz, CEO, founder, and cofounder of Pezz Industries. We here at Pezz Industries value our customers above all else. That’s word-for-word what it says in the script our Public Relations department has given me to say. And I stand by it.

Except that what I value most is improving things. And that’s the mission statement of Pezz Industries: Making things better whether you like it or not!

Except I just noticed that the script says: “Don’t say the ‘whether you like it or not’ thing!” No matter, I didn’t hire the Public Relations department to tell me what to say, I hired them to deal with the fallout of what I say, so there! However, because of the sheer number of customer support tickets that have been filed in regards to our huge catalogue of ground-breaking products, and since many of them are simply complaining about features the customers were unaware of, my Public Relations department has suggested that I personally answer some of these questions and complaints so that I can, as the script says, “Show them that we take responsibility for our products.”

You can find a catalog of just some of our most popular products here:

If you have any questions or concerns about the product, find that it is malfunctioning in some way, or have discovered a feature that our Posthumous Research Department has not, please let us know below.


Thanks for choosing Pezz Industries,
Ameliorator Pezz

Spoiler: Pezz DispenserShow

Spoiler: Quantum-Directional EscalatorShow

Spoiler: Disinterest Field GeneratorShow

Spoiler: Discriminator Defense TurretShow

Spoiler: Sucker Cleaning GolemShow

Spoiler: Uncomfort-TableShow

Spoiler: Tonic-Tonic (DISCONTINUED)Show

Spoiler: Recursive Spoiler AlertShow

Spoiler: Pocket Mordrem-Detector (Recalled)Show



Spoiler: ((OOC Information:))Show
Daegal Master Thief
Black Rose Born
Serendipity Primrose Fitzgerald
Inspector Kragfist
Ameliorator Pezz
Posted Jun 22, 15 · OP · Last edited Sep 30, 15
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Pezz Dispenser Explodes. Why?

User says: “Pezz Industries, what in Balthazar’s mossy boulders were you thinking? I inputted the information to make the Pezz Dispenser manufacture a legendary weapon, dropped the required cash into the coin slot, and after a few seconds of working, the blasted thing exploded, leveling my living room and causing the Seraph to have to bring in the fire brigade! Now I’m down thousands of gold, a house, and still don’t have my legendary weapon!”

Pezz Sezz: Firstly, did you read the user manual? If you had read the user manual, then you would have noticed that the first 146 pages are nothing but the repeated text “THIS DEVICE MAY EXPLODE”. I’m not sure how we could be any more clear. However, I have good news for you. If you pay the monthly subscription to the Pezz Rewards Club, we will send you a replacement Pezz Dispenser™ every time the previous one explodes. As to the lost gold in pursuit of a legendary weapon, well . . . there’s always the mystic forge.

Where’s My . . . nevermind.

User says: “I can find my Disinterest Field Generator. I remember turning on and then leaving the room to make a sandwich. When I came back I just couldn’t . . . ugh, you know what? Never mind, I really don’t care enough to finish this--”

Pezz Sezz: This is a common problem. Although technically the generator and its contents are never invisible, if you activate it and leave the radius of the field, they may seem rather dull and not worth your attention. My recommendation is that you drink some powerful stimulants, find someone to play some motivating music, and try really hard to find the generator and switch it off, maybe even promise yourself a reward if you succeed. You would not believe how many hundreds of gallons of energy drinks I went through just testing the damn prototype!

GOdz hELp mE!!1

User Says: “Hey Pezz, I bought a Sucker Cleaning Golem from your company. It’s been doing a great job cleaning. My house is spotless . . . but one day I noticed it following me around the house. I even woke up one night to see it watching me from the bedroom doorway. I’m so terrified. I’ve locked myself in my room and armed myself with a mAce. I can hear it huMming outside the doorway. I thiNk it’s trying to fINd a way in. PleAse hElp mE!”

Pezz Sezz: Oh, haha. They’re adorable, aren’t they! And the solution is pretty obvious. You have poor personal hygiene, don’t you? Yes, I recommend you wait until it does its morning cleaning rounds and escape the house. Then find a public shower and clean yourself very thoroughly. By the time you get back, your Sucker will be quite disinterested in you. That is . . . unless it’s the .006 percent of Suckers that experience the error (humans = filth), in which case a mace won’t be very much help. You may wish to contact the Pezz Industries Troubleshooters. So far the Toubleshooter X15 is the most effective firearm against malfunctioning golems. Good luck!
Daegal Master Thief
Black Rose Born
Serendipity Primrose Fitzgerald
Inspector Kragfist
Ameliorator Pezz
Posted Jun 26, 15 · OP · Last edited Jun 26, 15
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How are you Co-Founder of Pezz Industries?

User says: “Dear Pezz, I notice on your business profile that you are listed as Founder and Co-Founder of Pezz Industries, how is this possible? Is there some sort of tax-loophole you’re exploiting? Do you get to vote twice on board meetings? I ask because I’m starting my own company and am looking for some tips or tricks to being competitive!”

Pezz Sezz: Actually, the real reason I am listed as Founder and Co-Founder is quite mundane. It involves a small amount of time travel, and a bunch of patent-infringement lawsuits, and eventually a settlement which forced both of us to compromise and accept co-founder status. Needless to say, I’ve since agreed with myself to institute laws preventing hostile takeovers from other future Pezz’s, though I’ve also left a sneaky sub-clause that I can exploit if I ever need to -- actually, I’m going to wrap this up, my attorney is waving frantically at me.

Malfunctioning Mordrem-Detector

User says: “Pezz, I bought one of your Mordrem-Detectors during the Mordrem invasion a few weeks ago, but every time I walk by it, it beeps at me. I took out the battery and it still beeps. I even incinerated it, and I still hear the beeping! The beeping comes from my pocket, but there’s nothing there! What do I do?”

Pezz Sezz: Ah, yes, this is a known issue, particularly for sylvari customers. That product has been recalled. I can assure you that while the device is very accurate in detecting mordrem, the phasic-resonance sensor is misaligned. In layman’s terms, once activated, it scans all possible alternate realities, finds one in which the customer IS mordrem, then clones itself into that dimension. Destroying the original, however, does not resolve beeping, which can be heard by every possible version of yourself. But you’re in luck! For no extra charge, I can send a team of Pezz Industries Reality-Reversal experts into that alternate reality to assassinate your mordrem-self. Of course, if you have concerns that YOU might actually be mordrem, then I’ll need you to sign a waiver just in case we have to kill you. Thanks for choosing Pezz Industries!

Pezz, This is Your Final Warning!

User says: “Ameliorator Pezz, this is your attorney. You have been absent from the Pezz Industries Corporate Office for exactly one month, now. You are in default of your contract and your position as CEO will be terminated if you do not return within one week of this notice.”

Pezz Sezz: Ha! Idiot b**kah! You can’t fire me! If you fire me, then my future self gains full ownership of the company! Then all I need to do is take a vacation until my timeline catches up with his. Ha ha ha! HAHAHAAAHAHAAAA!!!
Daegal Master Thief
Black Rose Born
Serendipity Primrose Fitzgerald
Inspector Kragfist
Ameliorator Pezz
Posted Sep 30, 15 · OP · Last edited Sep 30, 15
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Pezz's Law of the Conservation of Consumerism

My esteemed idiot 'peer', Economist Took, has recently challenged me to disprove the principle of Supply and Demand. Well, hope you've got a change of shorts, Took!

The simple-minded 'logic' of Supply and Demand is that the availability of a product influences the value people place in it. This notion is absolutely absurd. Just think about it: if I give you a piece of chocolate are you happy? Better be! But if I give 20 pieces of chocolate, are you less happy?

You bet your cog-stuffed buns you're more happy! That's 20-times as much chocolate!


But that's enough humiliating the skritt-brained asura who entertain that notion, let me postulate, nay lay-down a much more sound theory: The Law of the Conservation of Consumerism.

Everything costs money. This is an inextricable fact of reality that everyone knows to be true. BUT different cultures may use different forms of currency. For example: Kryta used to use severed hands as a currency. If a thief was caught stealing something, he or she would have to spend up to two of their hands to compensate the owners for the theft.

This has also been confirmed by numerous anthropological expeditions into Fractals where I've encountered cultures that use beans, giant stone wheels, time shares, hugs, even pieces of paper to pay for goods.

Where is all this going, you ask? Well, when I invented the Pezz Dispenser, a device that uses Trans-Mist Protomatter to create anything you want, I installed in it a money receptacle. Before fabricating the desired object, you must pay the machine the equivalent VALUE in whatever your culture's currency is. I've tested this in other Fractals where it does accept local currency.

And since money has value just like products, when you get one thing of value, you must get rid of something of equal value. And the Pezz Dispenser proves this.

But I'm not done yet! The larger, broader, more superior-ly intellectual conclusion from this discovery is that there must be a CONSTANT in the world. A Consumerism Constant, if you will. And no matter what you buy, that constant will always stay the same!

So you can chew on my discarded scrap paper, Took, you smug bastard!
Daegal Master Thief
Black Rose Born
Serendipity Primrose Fitzgerald
Inspector Kragfist
Ameliorator Pezz
Posted Dec 13, 16 · OP
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Recursive Problems.

User says: “Pezz Industries Support, we request your assistance. One of our technicians acquired your Recursive Spoiler Alert product to hide some sensitive lab notes in. I must admit it is doing it's job quite well. A little too well, in fact. We cannot figure out how to get the notes back out again. Your assistance would be appreciated.”
~ Zozo Sidel
Mad Dame of the Scales

Player of Selena "Seldi" Witt
( Please don't call me "Sigil". )
Posted Sep 5, 17 · Last edited Sep 5, 17
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Recursive Problems.

User says: “Pezz Industries Support, we request your assistance. One of our technicians acquired your Recursive Spoiler Alert product to hide some sensitive lab notes in. I must admit it is doing it's job quite well. A little too well, in fact. We cannot figure out how to get the notes back out again. Your assistance would be appreciated.”

Pezz Sezz:Oh, yes, absolutely! Allow me to copy directly from our Frequently-Asked Questions about Recursive Spoiler Alerts:
Spoiler: Recursive Spoiler AlertShow
Daegal Master Thief
Black Rose Born
Serendipity Primrose Fitzgerald
Inspector Kragfist
Ameliorator Pezz
Posted Sep 6, 17 · OP · Last edited Sep 6, 17
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~ Zozo Sidel
Mad Dame of the Scales

Player of Selena "Seldi" Witt
( Please don't call me "Sigil". )
Posted Sep 6, 17
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