78 Season of the Phoenix 1328 AE.
It has been three weeks since Zarek and I have parted ways.
He and I have found a way to still remain on good terms with each other. Though I can't help but feel some of our words were empty promises. Even if we remain friends, the matter still exists that I can never look at him the same way again. Any harm I have ever brought to Zarek, he easily pushed past it. Even now, he seems to be keeping himself around the local taverns, or so I've heard. Perhaps he'll share coffee with another woman or man, and he'll obtain the feelings that I never could fully relinquish to him.
As for Luke. I feel guilt. How hurt he must be. Though we only knew each other for a Season, he was a very precious child. Smart. Smarter then I'll ever become. Perhaps I regret allowing us to foster him. Only for my own selfish thoughts that I would not have to bear this guilt. I wasn't ready to be a mother....which is very evident now. It's not just him. Anytime I see a child, I feel sick. I pray for Dwayna's mercy that this will pass with time. So I've been ensuring I stick to places that children would most likely not venture too.
Work however, brings quick reminders of how I do still love Zar. We fought the giant Flesh Reaver, and were able to defeat it. However, he suffered a severe wound. Van and myself worked to save him. And I felt it. I felt his breath vanish. I felt his heart stop beating. He was gone for that single moment, and I felt that perhaps I had been cursed. That I was being punished for the sins I committed against Zarek through our marriage. Thankfully, Van took over, trying to get his heart to start beating again. He yelled at me to assist, and I snapped out of the shock that had been placed over my form. And Zarek survived. I can't thank the Six enough he did not die.
I nearly lost him so long ago to that damn Separatist that stabbed him, leaving him for dead. I swore to Arvanna's memory I would protect him.
He is alive. Doing better after seeing Ariadna apparently, which is good. She always seemed to care for Zarek. Probably more than myself.
Well, that's enough unhappiness in one entry. I'm going to focus more on the positive side of things.
Ti'lay and myself have finally found a home. Van's old home, to be precise. It's close to the barracks and has such a charm to it that I can't possibly describe in words. There are two bedrooms. However, it seems we have acquired a third party to stay with us. Deveral Lomas. The young man has been recently reinstated with the Vanguard after serving his time for insubordination. Atreyu seems to be concerned, as well as Van. Though they allowed us to do this. Apparently, Dev has had a hard life, one that involves the use of drugs. Ti'lay and I agreed to keep our eyes on him. Which brings me to my next point that brings me great amusement.
Ti'lay and Deveral shall be sharing a room. With only two to spare in this small house, two of us were bound to have to put up with it. Dev doesn't know about this yet, as I've yet to find time to speak with him regarding the proposition. However, it will be nice to have a home. One that is secure. And to have friends near. It's more than I could ask for.
Speaking of Van, we had a little heart to heart chat. Of course this happened after we had a spar that resulted in me attempting to pummel him and him avoiding every blow I threw at him until he yielded. When I came to confront him on the matter, his office was in such disarray. So much pent up frustration and anger. So similar to me. I feel he still has something very heavy in his heart and mind. From back when he was a mercenary. He wants to control it. When it comes to us fighting, I'm not sure I can hold back. I've never been good at holding back. Though I pray to Balthazar that we can perhaps both come to our own resolutions.
And the greatest news of all I have to share this day?
Ti'lay has joined the Ebon Vanguard First Regiment. She's not happy. And I've already made it clear that just because we are friends I am not going to be soft. In fact, I'll probably be harder on her. She has a resentment for the Ebon Vanguard, though many of us are friends with her. I feel it may have something to do with the remnants of armor from a time long past in the back of that cursed house. Atreyu shared this with me. We need to speak with her about it. I feel as if my friend may be facing a great internal struggle. And I want to help her with it.
She has guardian magic inside her. It's been so long since she has used it, but during her interview with both myself and Van present, she stated how she would refuse to try and use it again. Privately, Van also shared his protection magic. The feeling is warm, and light, tingling and gentle. However, in his case, any amount of healing he provides, it comes with the price of his own life energy. He can't control it very well, as it was something he merely developed on his own.
I've come to realize that I am surrounded by many people with many internal struggles. Of course, I am no exception.
There is so much more I wish to write, but for fear of this journal being read, I'll keep it to myself for a moment longer. Just know that at this moment, I feel so terribly guilty...and unbelievably happy at the same time.